When teasing and bullying happen, the children watching from the sidelines can have a powerful influence on what happens next. Their reactions can shape how peers respond to bullying and can either reinforce the behavior or help create a more supportive environment. Understanding bystander bullying and teaching children how to become upstanders gives kids practical ways to support their peers and contribute to bullying prevention.
When a child says, “I’m being bullied,” parents and educators are right to take these words seriously. Research has shown that targets of bullying are more likely to suffer from chronic stress, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and physical illness. They are also more likely to resist going to school and to suffer academically.
When the source of the hurt appears to be verbal rather than physical, it’s common for adults to wonder whether the child is being teased rather than bullied. Conversely, a limited understanding of the distinction can contribute to an unfortunate misuse of the bullying label. So, what is the distinction between teasing and bullying, and how might it matter?
Some view the difference as a matter of degree. But since teasing and bullying require different approaches, we feel there’s a clear and important distinction: teasing has escalated to bullying when it is
Not all teasing is bullying, but teasing can become harmful when it causes ongoing distress or continues after a child has made it clear that the behavior is unwanted. Adults should pay attention to what is being said and how the child receiving the teasing is responding.
Bystander bullying refers to the role children play when they witness bullying or hurtful behavior between peers. A bystander might watch, laugh, encourage the behavior, remain silent, or choose to support the child being targeted. These reactions can influence the social dynamics surrounding bullying.
Bystanders to bullying are in a powerful position because their responses can affect what happens next. Teaching children that they have choices as witnesses can help them move from simply observing bullying to taking safe, supportive action.
Fortunately, most kids can confidently handle teasing on their own when they are empowered with helpful tease-easing strategies. But when the problem and the hurt persist, it’s time for adults to help.
When a child approaches you with their concern, it’s best to use an active listening approach. Thank the child for trusting you, and ask open-ended questions to gather details about the situation. Either ask the child directly or be alert for any clues that the child feels unsafe. It’s crucial to assess the child’s feelings about their physical and emotional safety because when a child feels unsafe, intervention is a must.
In your conversation, determine what, if any, strategies the child has tried to address the situation on their own. Have they exhausted their known alternatives? If not, offer to be their role-play partner as they practice effective strategies and strengthen their tease-easing muscles.
Children are highly influenced by the attitudes and behaviors of their peers. The desire to fit in, gain attention, or maintain friendships can influence how children respond when they witness bullying. This connection between bullying and popularity can make it especially important to help kids understand the power of their reactions.
Peer pressure and bullying can work together when children laugh along, join in, or encourage hurtful behavior because they want to feel accepted by a group. At the same time, peers have the power to shift that dynamic by showing kindness, including others, and seeking help from a trusted adult.
Kids are highly influenced by the attitudes of others their age, so why not tap into the powerful, bullying-busting power of peers?
When adults help children recognize the influence they have within their peer groups, they can begin to see that popularity and social influence can come from positive qualities such as kindness, empathy, courage, and leadership.
Moving from bystander to upstander gives children an active role in creating a supportive peer culture. An upstander recognizes that someone needs support and chooses an appropriate way to help. Learning how to be an upstander can give kids confidence and practical tools for responding to bullying.
We suggest weaving upstander responsibility into the fabric of your classroom culture.
Upstander behavior can take many forms. Depending on the situation, children might include a classmate who is being left out, check in with someone who is upset, tell a trusted adult what they witnessed, or use respectful words to support a peer. Children can choose actions that feel safe and appropriate for their situation.
In group discussions with younger children, help them define what teasing is and how it affects others. Young learners in particular are sometimes unaware that their words are hurtful.
Give children concrete strategies they can practice when they witness bullying or hurtful behavior. These simple actions can help kids become confident upstanders.
Invite a child who is being excluded to join a game, activity, conversation, or group.
Check in with a classmate who appears upset and let them know they have someone who cares.
Tell a trusted adult when bullying occurs, especially when someone feels unsafe or the behavior continues.
Use words and actions that demonstrate kindness, empathy, and inclusion. Help students to disagree respectfully and productively.
Role-play different situations with children so they can practice what they might say or do when they see someone being teased or bullied.
As part of class team-building efforts, consider inviting children to design an expectations poster. You can prompt ideas for expectations by posing questions such as, “If you were being teased, what would you want your classmates to do?”
Remind children that they are a team beyond the walls of the classroom, and so the expectations still apply. Appeal to their desire to model good behavior for younger children.
Children often place great value on belonging and acceptance. Adults can help them see that being popular can mean using their influence to make others feel welcome, respected, and included.
Ask children to think about the qualities they admire in a friend or leader. What makes someone a good friend? How can someone use their influence to include others? What does courage look like when a classmate needs support?
These conversations can help children connect popularity with positive leadership. A child who welcomes someone into a group, supports a classmate, or encourages kindness can have a powerful influence on peers.
Time spent on empathy-building skills reaps outsized rewards. Lead class discussions around bullying and teasing, and remind children that in their classroom every month must be Bullying Prevention Month.
Bystander bullying prevention starts with helping children understand the influence they have on their peers. When kids learn how to be an upstander, they gain practical ways to support classmates, respond to teasing and bullying safely, and contribute to a culture of empathy and inclusion.
Give children regular opportunities to talk about bullying, practice supportive responses, and explore the many ways they can make a positive difference. When peers use their influence to build others up, classrooms become places where kindness, courage, and belonging can thrive.